


Too Close

by shisuiwx



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, But he really is, Childhood Friends, College AU, Coming Out, Confusion, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, Everyone Is Gay, Friends to Lovers, Gamer Kozume Kenma, Kenma doesn't want to be in love with his best friend, Kenma is oblivious, Kuroo cares about Kenma so much, Kuroo is so whipped, M/M, Panic Attacks, Slow Burn, Streamer Kozume Kenma, a lot of fluff, kinda OOC, oh my god i love them, they just love each other so much and dont know it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-01-27
Packaged: 2021-03-18 02:09:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 18,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28859358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shisuiwx/pseuds/shisuiwx
Summary: What the fuck.. he had just kissed him? Why? Why was he wondering why? Kenma knew that he thought he was sleeping, and it took all of his strength to keep that facade up as his mind raced. Kuroo kissed his forehead.. sure that was probably just a small show of affection from a friend he had known for over half of his life.. but why was there this feeling in his gut? Like.. something inside him had awoken. He wanted to feel it again, tried to recall the sensation of when their skin met, but it was already a jumbled mess in amongst his current thoughts. There was nothing he could do to work out what he was feeling right now, all he knew is that he wanted Kuroo to kiss him again.Kenma and Kuroo reconcile and try to restore their friendship and relearn how to be around each other after 2 years of being apart.
Relationships: Kozume Kenma & Kuroo Tetsurou, Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou
Comments: 9
Kudos: 62





	1. New

**Author's Note:**

> The first part of this story is a re-upload- I changed my mind about the direction and wanted to make the chapters longer and more engaging.
> 
> Anything potentially triggering will be tagged in the notes but in general no major warnings apply. The rating might change when I eventually write smut (and the tags will be updated when that happens too!) so just keep an eye out and regardless I'll put a warning the chapters that have this when it comes to it.
> 
> p.s the other characters I've tagged don't make an appearance in this chapter but will be minor characters in the future!

‘Kenma are you happy?”

He felt his breathing still, found himself subconsciously holding his breath. Kenma hadn’t been expecting to be the subject of such a pointed question, let alone coming from someone who hadn’t seen him in years, and especially not coming from Kuroo. Silently, he stared for a moment before collecting his thoughts and figuring it was easier to tell the truth. Even after this time Kuroo could probably read him, maybe not to the same extent as he was used to but he didn’t want to take any chances. 

“I’m not unhappy but.. I’m not content either.”

“Oh?” He genuinely seemed interested, perking up with some concern flashing across his features. Somehow, the familiarity of that look tugged at Kenma. He found himself remembering how Kuroo used to react if the slightest bit if he showed the slightest discomfort or hurt. It felt as if they were strangers relearning how they used to be. 

Feeling the need to expand, Kenma went on, deciding to candid, “I just... don’t think I’ve been happy since the last summer we were all together. College is ok, studying is fine but the people here...”. ‘They’re not you,’ he almost added. But he wasn’t brave enough then and it was too late now. Kuroo had a girlfriend to brag about, a new team to play with and a whole other life away from Nekoma. Kenma was the one stuck in the past and he wasn’t going to let himself drag Kuroo back when he was moving on with his life. 

“Your classmates? Are they not treating you right?” God damn, he thought he saw something of his old friend there, the part of him that used to hold Kenma to his chest when he gave him a certain look that meant ‘I’m scared’. 

“No, no everyone is nice... I just... don’t click with them I guess? I don’t party and now that I’m not on a team...”

His eyes had wandered away, falling to his lap, watching his hands as he picked his cuticles. 

“You’re finding it hard to find people on the same wavelength... you have no common ground? Kenma... if I had known... you can call me whenever you want, ok? I know we’re hours away now and most of the other guys have moved but... don’t feel deserted. I can’t believe you’ve been out here for two years and haven’t reached out to us. You know we all try to keep up right? No one knows your number we assumed...” Kuroo trailed off and bit his lip, guilt etched into his features.

“I didn’t know...” his voice was too soft, too coated in sadness. He had cut everyone off, just retreated to his dorm and his video games and ignored what he missed so bad. “I’m sorry.” Kuroo had gone to the trouble of reaching out to him, letting him know he was in the area and for that Kenma was so grateful. He missed Kuroo most of all he felt uncharacteristic in his response to the FaceBook message, or maybe that was because he was so unused to using that app. He would like to write it off as the latter but watching the way Kuroo sipped the tea he’d made him made him want to babble again. It had been so long since he actually held a conversation with another let alone someone whose presence he enjoyed as much as Kuroo’s. “When do you have to go?” Kenma hadn’t wanted to go out, finals were coming up and he wanted to study. It also felt weird to him to meet at a cafe or on campus with an old friend like that, seeing him in a place so unfamiliar would make it even more obvious the distance that had grown between them. 

“Soon, actually,” Kuroo sighed, before instantly changing the subject, “I’ve missed you pudding head.” He chuckled, “I can’t believe you still have that hair Kenma.”

“Huh? Does it look bad now?” 

“No I’ve just always liked it. I’m glad,” Kuroo beamed and raised a hand to mess up his blond locks. 

Kenma flinched away from his hand, out of reflex alone. Once he realised what he’d done his cheeks heated. He’d always let Kuroo do that, he liked when he rustled his hair up. There was no one else he let do that but now ... even a tiny gesture that they used to share every day felt so foreign. Kenma felt heat behind his eyes and blinked rapidly to push it away. Why was he so caught up on something so small? Maybe it was the way his friend was staring at him now, shock and confusion turning slowly into resignation. He needed to push past this or the silence falling between them would turn awkward.

“How’s your girlfriend... uh you said her name but I ... forgot..”

“Ohhhh,” Kuroo huffed, “I broke up with her. Turns out I don’t like girls. Who would have known.”

Kenma found himself blinking again, but this time not to force back emotion, but in surprise. “Huh?”

“I’m gay. Kenma jeez you sure know how to make me feel awkward still.” Kuroo poked his ribs. “What about you, anyway? How has your love life been since Nekoma?”

“I don’t know... I haven’t dated anyone,” he lifted a shoulder, slightly uncomfortable with and not at all caring about the conversation. He was gay but that didn’t change anything. For some reason that made Kenma even more nervous to be around him. Thoughts drifted to how close they used to be, cuddled up against each other at training camps and falling asleep with their legs intertwined when Kuroo came over to study. “I’m... sorry I flinched Kuro..”

“A minute ago? Don’t worry about it. We haven’t seen each other in two years things are going to be weird. You don’t have to apologise for that.”

There wasn’t a single instance in highschool where Kenma remembered feeling this candid with anyone. Everything was there and unspoken, he felt understood, welcome, part of something. Now there seemed like so much he had to say, so much he wanted to know and talk about. He knew that it was Kuroo and the distanced those two years had put between them. 

“You can stay here if you want.... I can sleep on the couch if you want my bed... I don’t mind.”

Kuroo looked taken back for a second, then smiled a beaming smile, something that looked like relief filled his gaze. “You sure?” Kenma nodded, maybe too enthusiastically. It seemed to go unnoticed though, and Kuroo smirked at him, “You aren’t grossed out by me being gay right? We used to share a single mat all the time at training camp..”

Kenma’s eyes widened. “Right. We did.” 

“Huh, you ok kenma?”

“Ya. That’s fine. Ya. Thanks.”

Kuroo laughed and reached over to mess up his hair again. This time Kenma pushed his head into the sensation, a small smile welcoming the warmth spreading through him. 

* * *

They slowly got back to the comfort of each other’s presence, playing video games and elbowing each other’s ribs when the other was losing, all the while inching closer. Kenma ended up lying back, curling his knees up and pressing them against Kuroo. The muscles in his arm tensed for a moment under the press of Kenma’s legs, but soon relaxed again, neither of them commenting on the newfound proximity. It used to be so normal, the easy silence between them spoke of returning to somewhere close to what they used to be. He thought of what he’d responded to when asked if he was happy. Maybe now that seemed a little closer to reality. 

The conversation about where to sleep ended up redundant, they both fell asleep on the couch. Probably his own fault, Kenma thought as he cracked his eyes open against the all-too-bright sunlight, he was the one who had suggested watching a movie at 2am. He knew how that had happened but what he couldn’t remember was curling himself up in Kuroo’s chest. A little startled once he realised his position, he moved off silently, hoping not to wake the still-sleeping body beneath him. As he was about to pull off fully and run away to make coffee, a hand ran through his hair, cupping his head and pulling him back gently. He lost his balance, caught completely off guard, and used all his skill from years of physical training and volleyball practice to land as softly as he could back in Kuroo’s chest. He huffed, exasperated that he’d forgotten about the crazy sensitivity sleeping Kuroo had to his movements. “Kuro... kkkuro....” he whined, unlike him to make a fuss, but the hand in his hair was too comforting, he was liking it too much, “…get the fuck off me”. So used to not liking physical contact, he had no idea what to do with actually enjoying Kuroo’s embrace.

“Shh kitten you loved it when I did this at training camp. Or was that just because you liked the feeling of possibly getting caught?”

“Kuroo?? You’re awake?”

“I always used to pretend to be asleep so you’d stay longer,” even though Kenma couldn’t see his face, he could hear the smile in his voice. A smile pulled his own lips up and he buried the bottom half of his face into his shoulder to conceal it.

“Well I want coffee, Kuroo. Not all of us are morning people,” his grumble was muffled by the fabric of his hoodie. 

“Sure, sure make me one too, ya?”

Kenma rolled his eyes. 

“You’re rolling your eyes right now.”

He sighed in response.

“Ok I’m glad you let me sleep over. Thank you. Can I have coffee, kitten? Please?” An inaudible gasp past Kenma’s lips at that pet name. Something he had forgotten in the years they’d spent apart. The name he’d get called by Kuroo when he saw him rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, or angrily yawning after a late training session, or if he hiccuped or got shy. 

“Why do you call me that? Or.. what was the reason? It was always... at the most random times....”

“When you were being cute! I thought that was obvious.” Kuroo smirked, glowing with pride. 

Kenma shuffled on Kuroo’s chest, turning himself onto his back and tilting his head so he was watching his best friend’s face upside-down, contemplating the depth of what he had said. “Cute...?” 

“Yes, cute. You know everyone thinks you’re cute, pudding bowl.”

“But you call me kitten..?” Something was settling into place, something obvious was coming together but it was still hazy, Kenma couldn’t piece it fully together. Almost.

“I don’t know what to say kitten it’s a cute nickname. Don’t you like it?”

Kenma contemplated it. He actually did. No he really did. All he could do was respond with a nod. 

“Good. Can I make you coffee? You seem too tired. Don’t want you falling over with exhaustion.” Kenma just half-heatedly glared and watched Kuroo laugh before standing up and stretching. As he stretched he tried to advert his eyes but the pale of Kuroo’s back was too enticing and he settled with staring for a brief moment and then pulling his eyes away. There was no way he could allow his thoughts to spill over. Without even knowing it he was glaring at his hands, frustrated with himself for wanting to think about how soft his friend’s skin looked so close to his face. He shook his head and huffed out another sigh. They were becoming his signature in the presence of Kuroo.

“Are you okay?” Ugh, Kenma thought, he’s noticed the change in mood. Great. 

“I’m fine just wondering when you’re going to stop flaunting your body and make us coffee.” 

“You love it,” he joked back, but the words had an edge that felt like a question, and it terrified Kenma. He didn’t reply, instead lay back on the now empty sofa and extended his hand to the coffee table, where a handheld was waiting to bring him comfort. 

* * *

Kuroo left, back to Tokyo and his sports degree. Kenma felt bad that he couldn’t remember exactly what his major was. He was smart, so much smarter academically than Kenma would ever be. In highschool he’d always felt like he had to study twice as hard to keep up. The graphic design degree he was taking was tough despite it being what he thought he would be best at. 

Their study sessions inched their way into his mind a few days after Kuroo left. What had happened for them to drift so far off course? Their lives were so parallel back then. Kenma took out his phone and opened his contacts. He started at the newest entry and sank back on the sofa, ignoring his textbook as it slid off his lap and pulling up Kuroo’s number without thinking. Before he fully thought it through he had hit call. It rang only twice- mere seconds- before it was picked up.

“Hello? Kenma?” Kuroo’s voice sounded worried.  
“Kuro..”  
“Hi, what’s up? Are you okay?”  
“Ya I am I...”  
“I don’t think in our decade of knowing each other you’ve ever called me.”  
“Is it weird?”  
“A little. I’m glad though. That you called.”  
“Me too.”  
“Did you want to talk about something?”  
Kenma’s mind raced back to what he was thinking when he hit call and he admitted, “Our study sessions...”  
“You miss me lecturing you about atoms?”  
“Ya...”  
“Kenma...” Kuroo’s voice was so soft Kenma felt himself melting in direct exposure to it. “...Kitten..”  
Kenma heard himself gasp down the line and instantly clamped his lips shut. “Why are you thinking about our study sessions?”  
“I...I don’t know I just... wish we were still there?” He shifted further into the cushions he lay on as he spoke, breaching territory he wasn’t comfortable explaining in conversation. He hated being so candid but it was too easy with Kuroo.  
“I know you do... do you need help with homework?”  
“No... I mean yea but you’re probably busy..”  
“I’m not.. let me help what are you stuck on? I miss teaching you..”  
Kenma squinted at the ceiling, extending his neck so that his head was in like with it, a better view of the nothing he was focused in. Why did this conversation seem so... loaded? “The work is more practical.. it’s a graphic design course you know? But I’m having trouble with meeting this brief I don’t know which style suits what I’m being asked for... can I send you some photos?”  
“This conversation was such a long way of saying that you need my big brain advice,” Kuroo’s laugh filled his ears and he hummed a happy sigh down the line. Back to something familiar. It made him beam at the white paint he stared at.  
“It would be easier for you to help if you were here.”  
“Is that an invitation?”  
“You’re always welcome to come over.”  
“You’re four hours away do you think I’m going to get two trains and the subway to tutor you?”  
Kenma huffed, something that was becoming a signature characteristic of a conversation with Kuroo. “Yes.”  
“Ok then. I’m free on Saturday evening. Is that good?”  
“Why didnt you come see me before?”  
“Huh? Kenma I didn’t even know you were alive let alone wanted to see me.”  
“We were best friends.”  
“You changed your number and disappeared from the groupchats.” Kenma sat up and hunched over, elbows on his knees and head hung, a little ashamed. He stayed silent. “I’m sorry... you did nothing wrong... I’m sorry Kitten...”  
“No... I...definitely did” he didn’t know why there was a lump in his throat but he cringed, knowing Kuroo had heard it.  
“Seriously. I understand, Kitten. I’m sorry. It’s been too long since we spoke. I forget.” Forget that I’m a bad friend. Kenma muttered a curse that he knew his friend heard. Forget that I’m a let down. Nothing without the team....  
“Maybe.. you shouldn’t come...”  
There was some silence on the other end, then a tiny cough that made Kenma realise he might have hurt him. “I think I should come. I think you need me right now.”  
“...ya...” he closed his eyes, hung his head further, “I think I really do...”

* * *

Their friendship healed slowly over the next few months. Kuroo made it a habit to stop by Kenma’s apartment or college whenever he was in the city, though it was obvious a lot of the time his reasons for being there were excuses and sometimes blatant lies. Kenma couldn’t bring himself to push Kuroo for the real reason why he went out of his way to travel to spend time with him, he enjoyed his presence too much to say anything that could potentially ruin the time he had with his friend. 

“What are you doing for the summer? Are you coming back to Nerima?”

“Hm.. maybe …I want to,” Kenma had stayed in Kyoto the summer before, deciding to take the few months off to move himself out of student accommodation and into his small apartment. He spent that summer with the goal to stream and try to make money from gaming, which he had been more than successful at. Admittedly, he had wanted to do the same that summer to save up to move someplace a bit nicer, in a prettier part of the city, but getting back in touch with Kuroo and his old friends made him miss Tokyo. He missed volleyball and worried about what 2 years of no practice would have done to his play and general skill set. 

“It would be nice if you could..would you stay with your family?”  
“I guess. I want to play volleyball again,” he admitted with a small, subconscious smile at the thought. 

“We could do that. I think pretty much everyone is going to be back for the summer. Some guys from Karasuno study in Tokyo now, we’ve all hung out and played last summer. I assume it’ll be the same this year.”

“It would be nice…”

“You sure you can handle the craziness?”  
“I think I’ve missed it… a lot.”

“You’re going to regret those words.”

Kenma sighed, but it was only half-hearted exasperation, “I know.”  
“So that’s a yes?”

“I’ll have to ask my parents and find somewhere to move my stuff to.. I don’t think there’s room at my parents’ for my monitors and games…”  
“You can always move them to mine.”

“I thought your family moved away-“

“My apartment, dumbass,” Kuroo grinned, “I have a roommate but he’s moved out for the summer.”

Kenma’s mouthed an ‘Oh,’ but didn’t say anything, caught up in his own thoughts. For some reason, he’d expected Kuroo stayed at home. It was hard to imagine him somewhere else, his childhood bedroom just seemed to be his place. Kuroo had got him back in touch with almost everyone from his highschool days, probably bribing them to talk to him first with gods know what, knowing that Kenma would struggle to initiate the conversation regardless of how much he wanted to. 

“When do your classes finish? If you decide on coming back I can help you move. I drive now..” Kuroo beamed at him, so adorably proud of himself Kenma had no option but to grin back. “I can drive you!”  
“In two weeks. Kuro that drive is way too long I can just get movers-“  
“NO Kenmaaa let me have this I want my first road trip to be with you..”

“Huh? Why..”  
“Well you’re my oldest friend. And we have so much catching up to do. Why would I want it to be with anyone else?”

“It’s just… a lot of work…”

“So? If it’s for the chance to play with you again then it’s worth it.”

“Ohh I get it,” Kenma teased, “You’re only in it for my brain.”  
Kuroo rolled his eyes, but his smile was so bright it was almost blinding. They had both missed each other so much, the interactions they’d had since echoed a time they both wanted back desperately and they were almost there. Kenma was starting to really look forward to the months ahead of them. Maybe summer wouldn’t be too bad this year. 

* * *

Kenma had responsibilities, he had a streaming schedule to keep up with, he worked part time as a game tester so he had to write detailed reviews to the developers he tested for, and he had to keep up with summer assignments from college. The latter was a burden he had to deal with only because he was approaching his third year in university and was no expected to study extra over the summer to get better grades when the next semester started. The course he’d chosen was based around production of visuals for online dissemination, something that he used to market himself on his social media channels and especially on twitch. As for why he was wasting 4 years of his life getting a degree in it he wasn’t sure, but it was something he was good at and he knew that he could always get freelance jobs if the gaming and streaming money ever dried up. 

There was some obvious apprehension with how he was going to handle these things when most of his possessions would be crammed in Kuroo’s spare room. The decision had been so quick, he’d given his landlord the month of notice needed, asked his parents and made sure that Kuroo hadn’t just said he would drive all the way to the outskirts of Kyoto and back in a state of delusion. 

The weeks had past in the blink of an eye and Kenma thought about how their last conversation only felt like a few days ago when he caught sight of Kuroo pull up in the street below his apartment and felt anxiety tie his gut into a knot. He’d been waiting, sitting in the window watching the street, having packed the night before. His apartment felt too bare now but he had found a little comfort in switching between people watching and playing switch to pass the time that morning. Kuroo was hours late and by the end Kenma was starting to get worried that he’d got lost. Now seeing him get out of his- intensely yellow- car and disappear from view into the building beneath him, a different anxiety was bubbling near the surface, one he couldn’t quite pick apart, and it scared him. 

Kuroo knew the pin codes for the two doors and lift in Kenma’s apartment by that point, and he let himself in with a way too loud, joking, “Honey, I’m home.”

“Gods you better shut up, Kuro.”

“You’ve packed,” he seemed a little deflated, Kenma raised a quizzical eyebrow. “I thought I could help out..”  
“I don’t have a lot just my set up, my consoles and games.. the furniture I put in storage yesterday.”

Kuroo’s eyes shinned, “Your brain,” he gushed.  
“Did you think we’d strap my sofa to the top of your car…” Kenma watched him, holding back a smile as Kuroo conceded.

“Fair point.” 

“Can we get going we’re not going to make it there until 7pm now… why are you so late?”  
“Well…I stopped to get snacks and then.. I wasn’t sure if you’d be comfy so I stopped to buy a blanket and a neck cushion you know the round type? And I was almost here and then was like damn you’ll probably need to charge your switch and psp so I bought a USB-C charger that can plug in to my car but I couldn’t find one for your psp I don’t think they make them-“

“They don’t… jeez Kuro you didn’t have to I am fine its just 4 hours…”  
“But you said it’s a long trip…”

“For you Kuro, I’m just sitting there you’re driving..” Kenma raised a hand to massage his forehead, but also to mask a dumb smile he couldn’t force away. Kuroo was so tiring sometimes but it charmed him beyond belief. How could he be mad at him being late when his intentions were so adorable? “Thank you.”

Kuroo looked around properly, and realised the extent of work ahead of them when his gaze was met by the mountain of boxes. Kenma had scribbled “Fragile” on all of them, accompanied with small illustrations of what was inside, to help them navigate the more important and delicate boxes to safer areas of the car. “We should probably get started…”

“Please.”

* * *

Kuroo did most of the heavy lifting and Kenma was grateful, breaking a sweat before a long car ride was not something he wanted, especially not now that he knew Kuroo had bought him a blanket. A little excessive, but he was so grateful for Kuroo’s care. He had forgotten how it felt to be cared for and his best friend of over a decade knew exactly how to make him feel safe and loved. 

The car was small but they managed to make everything fit. Even though Kenma’s seat had to be pushed a little too close to the dash, the blanket Kuroo had bought made up for the squeeze in comfort. The drive, though long, was admittedly nice. Kuroo knew when Kenma didn’t want to talk, or was getting tired of conversing and he appreciated his friend for respecting those boundaries. Even though he tried to glue into his game (he really needed to review this new cat game - ‘Fisti-fluffs’- before the end of the next day and he hadn’t even touched it yet) he felt himself start to drift off to sleep after just an hour of being on the road. 

Kenma remembered nothing of the next hour or so, only stirring when he felt the slight jolt as they pulled up for gas. He heard Kuroo get out but clung onto sleep, not moving a muscle. Half-aware of how much of an idiot he looked, he slowly realised sleep was slipping away from him and was just about to open his eyes when Kuroo settled back into the seat beside him. Before he could move a muscle, however, he was held in place by the shock of feeling Kuroo’s lips pressing to his forehead. 

What the fuck.. he had just kissed him? Why? Why was he wondering why? Kenma knew that he thought he was sleeping, and it took all of his strength to keep that facade up as his mind raced. Kuroo kissed his forehead.. sure that was probably just a small show of affection from a friend he had known for over half of his life.. but why was there this feeling in his gut? Like.. something inside him had awoken. He wanted to feel it again, tried to recall the sensation of when their skin met, but it was already a jumbled mess in amongst his current thoughts. There was nothing he could do to work out what he was feeling right now, all he knew is that he wanted Kuroo to kiss him again.


	2. Unpacking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A lot of fluff and softness... then Hinata makes an appearance to unintentionally spill a small secret Kuroo's been hiding :00

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much for reading and enjoying this story so far! I wasn't supposed to upload so quick and the next chapter is going to probably take a number of days to write but I have just been enjoying writing these two wayyy too much. x
> 
> This chapter is pretty fluffy- and just a whole lot of feelings. Enjoy ~

Somewhere in pretending to be asleep and overthinking what had happened, Kenma tired himself out so much that actually fell back to sleep. When Kuroo woke him he instantly remembered the feeling of his lips on his forehead and jumped slightly away from the touch. 

“Hey.. sorry kitten I didn’t mean to scare you…”

Groggily, Kenma peeled his eyes open and grimaced back at him. “Mhm. You didn’t. Just woke me, so fuck you more.” He moved closer to Kuroo, closing the space that he’d put between them when he flinched, not wanting to seem like he didn’t appreciate the proximity. 

“We’re here now… I called your parents a while ago to let them know we were almost here so they know we’re late. Which boxes are staying here?”

“All of what’s on the right side. By the back door..” Kenma grumbled, still half awake. 

“Ok ..do you want me to sort this out? You can stay here if you want? I can drop these off and you can help me set up your monitors at my place?… I’ll drop you back home once we’re done.”

Kenma nodded and sighed a “Thank you,” to shut him up, almost instantly chasing sleep again once Kuroo left.

* * *

He slept until he was woken again by the sound of a door closing. Blinking to adjust to the darkness, Kenma looked around, trying to place himself, hating the feeling of just waking up. Kuroo was behind him, struggling with a box and as Kenma turned to face him fully he quickly realised that the car had been pretty much emptied without any help from him.

“Kuro…” 

“Shit, did I wake you?”

“No.” He just stared at Kuroo for a second. Exhaustion lined his face, sweat dotted his brows and it filled Kenma with such gratitude. What had he done to deserve another shot at this friendship? The blessing of Kuroo’s presence and care for Kenma was never something he wanted to take for granted again. “Thank you… for all of this..”

“It’s ok… can you help me with this, though? I think its your big monitor it’s too big and heavy to lift alone…”

“Ok,” as he opened his door and joined Kuroo to help with the box he continued, “I … don’t know why you’re so nice to me still, Kuroo….”

“Kenma…” 

“I … just… I’m so grateful for you. Thank you…”

“Hey… why are you getting so sentimental all of a sudd-“ Kenma cut him off with a hug. “OK this is getting weird… Kenma…” 

“Sorry… tired…”

“Don’t apologise, pudding bowl,” he messed his hair up, chuckling, “let’s get this inside so you can rest, ok?”

Kenma nodded in response and moved to grab the box. Maybe it was the tiredness fogging his mind, but hugging Kuroo had felt like the most natural thing, which was shocking because it was something he never would have so suddenly done, even when they were the closest they’d ever been in highschool. He remembered waking up on Kuroo’s chest weeks ago, feeling the warmth and that heartbeat beneath his cheek, hands cradling his head, keeping him close when he tried to leave. It confused him that there was nothing more he wanted right now than to be back there. 

By the time they had unboxed and set up everything- Kuroo again doing most of the work, Kenma just directing him or giving him instructions on how to places his consoles- they were both exhausted. Kuroo’s place might have been a bit bigger than Kenma imagined, but it was still a tight squeeze to fix his boxes of games into an average size bedroom. 

“Kuro… I’m so … tired..” Kenma threw himself onto the large couch in the middle of Kuroo’s living room, not caring that he still had his shoes on and was probably sweaty, when he was tired everything came second to sleep. “Don’t make me move.”

“You want to stay here? Your parents are expecting you..”  
“Tomorrow. I’m .. sleepy…”

“Uh ok I took the other bed out yesterday to make room for your things but I can try to pull it out-“

“We shared a single mat all the time in highschool,” Kenma tried to parrot the words Kuroo had retorted the day they fell asleep together. “But I don’t mind staying right here. I’ll be ok Kuro. You care too much.”

“…Kitten..”

“I’m going to sleep now.”

“Right now?”

“Uh-huh.” He felt himself drift off even as he was responding, sinking down into the depths of his hoodie. The couch wasn’t at all comfortable but Kenma had slept soundly in more uncomfortable environments. Even as he was dragged further into unconsciousness, he could feel Kuroo’s stare and hoped that he could get some sense of how happy he was making him. He really hoped Kuroo knew how much his help was changing him for the better.

* * *

“Hey…lift your head, kitten” Kuroo’s soothing voice buzzed through him and he instinctively did as he was asked. A strong arm slid around his shoulder and back, the other hooked under his legs, lifting him up. 

“Kuro.. what are you doing..”

“You can’t sleep like this, you’ll wake up achey. You can have my bed. But shh.. just relax, ok? I didn’t want to wake you..” Kenma pressed his forehead into Kuroo’s shoulder, sighing with content. He felt, tucked away there, that his silent prayer from earlier had been answered. This was the only place he wanted to be. The safety and warmth Kuroo radiated was something that Kenma wanted imprinted into his memory permanently, if nothing just the feeling of it all. 

Kuroo bent down, to place him gently on his bed, but Kenma just hung onto him, not letting him go and Kuroo ended up losing his balance, toppling on top of them. “Kenma jeez.. what are you doing dumbass…?”

“Stay here.” He still had his eyes closed, but the room was only lit by moonlight anyway so he let himself peer out, squinting at first to adjust, to catch sight of Kuroo beside him. He was just staring, a small half-sad smile on his lips. “What’s with that look?”

“Nothing, I’m just so glad you’re here. I don’t know what I would’ve done losing against Kageyama and Hinata for the third summer in a row.”

“You gotta suck less, Kuro.” He teased.

“I only sucked because you weren’t here.”

“Why are you admitting you suck… what’s wrong should I be worried???” Kenma joked, but he moved closer, pulling himself back to Kuroo’s chest, closing the distance that had been made when they fell. 

“You always filled in the gaps, y’know? Everything that I worried about, you fixed it. You allowed me to be that confident, loud person because you could calm me down and… I think it’s been too long without you. It’s like I have a massive part of myself back now that you’re here.”

“Kuro..” Kenma opened his eyes fully and reached out, like Kuroo had done weeks before to comb his fingers through that dark hair and hold the back of his head in hands that felt almost shaky. Gently he pushed their foreheads together. “Thank you for waiting for me. And finding me. I owe you so much.” Kuroo wrapped him up in his arms, tighter than ever, and buried his face in Kenma’s hair. 

“I’m glad.”

“Me too.” Kenma breathed Kuroo in, and fell asleep to the calming smell of his shampoo and the soft beat of his heart. Just where he wanted to be. 

* * *

The next morning felt to him like the first time in days he wasn’t rudely awoken. The day before had dragged on in his memory, but the memory of all that had happened lingered with him, igniting a complicated mix of confusion but also so much happiness within his mind. He watched Kuroo sleep for a while, then filled with regret to be leaving, dragged himself to the bathroom to get ready to stream. His daily routine was generally very twitch heavy, he was normally live for an average of five hours a day most days of the week, but had to adjust it to his new plans for the summer. The times he’d typed into his twitch schedule had already been halved for that first week, but as he brushed his teeth he deleted two of the countdowns set up for the next few days, wanting to free up his time to make room for whatever Kuroo wanted to do. In his mind there was no reason to care about the money that was being lost by not streaming, and the viewers he was probably going to lose too. He had some savings and besides it’s not like there was rent to pay right now. Making up for two years lost with Kuroo, with his other friends and playing volleyball far outweighed the monetary gain of pouring hours into his socials. 

“Oh fuck,” he grumbled aloud through his toothpaste as he remembered the game he had to write a review for by the end of that day. ‘Better get to work,’ he thought to himself and finished up getting ready as quick as he could. 

Just as he sat down at his desk and tried to adjust himself to the new layout of his set up, his phone lit up with an influx of texts. All from Hinata. Staring at that name on his screen made his eyes light up. 

Hinata: Hey Kenma!!  
Hinata: You’re back in Tokyo right??Hinata: When can u hang out???  
Hinata: What part of the city are u in?  
Hinata: I’m so glad ur back for the summer  
Hinata: Now we can beat both Kuroo’s ass & urs like good old times

Kenma: good old times? ...bet  
Kenma: do u even remember the results to our games lmao 

Hinata: I just remembering kicking ass!!!  
Hinata: I remember you like :0000 a lot 

Kenma: I was like :0 bc u were losing so bad

Hinata: ouch ok when did u get so mean

Kenma: sorry  
Kenma: missed u, Hinata

Hinata: oop Kuroo told me to stop texting u  
Hinata: are u supposed to be streaming?  
Hinata: he never shuts tf up about your streams

Huh? Kenma couldn’t remember a single instance where Kuroo admitted to watching his stream. Or even brought up streaming in a way that suggested that he knew anything about it.

Kenma: what does he say about my streams?

Hinata: that a lottttt of ppl like u  
Hinata: shrimps?  
Hinata: anyway he started saying ‘POG’ bc of ‘chat’

Kenma: …. Wtf?  
Kenma: ??????

Hinata: he would blow up my phone when u went live  
Hinata: it was cute!

Kenma: idk what to do w this info

Hinata: o did u not know?  
Hinata: was I not supposed to say?

Kenma: do u know his user?

Hinata: hm I think he has kitten in it

Kenma: ur kidding… 

Hinata: no.. why? 

Kenma: no reason  
Kenma: I gtg Hinata  
Kenma: ty for telling me

Hinata: wait did I accidentally spill a secret?  
Hinata: why would that be a secret?  
Hinata: ???? KENMA HELP WHAT DID I DO

Kenma locked his phone and sat it face-down beside his keyboard. For a second he contemplated going to find Kuroo and confronting him about what Hinata had said, but he quickly brushed it off thinking that maybe Kuroo thought nothing of watching his friend livestream some games. There was no way Kenma could take Hinata’s words for anything more than exaggeration, knowing his track record with being theatrical. But he was also one of the most honest people Kenma knew….

Sighing, he switched on his computer and screens. Almost instantly, he got hit with the brain wave to stream that cat game he’d been meaning to review, and have a speech recognition app recording him so all he had to do was edit text. Smirking, he opened up twitch and docked his switch, getting everything ready to start. As soon as he started the live, he found himself unable to draw his eyes away from his chat, scrolling though the constant spam for any username containing the word ‘kitten’. After a moment of looking, still with the title screen up because he did not want to get caught in the very sus act of reading his chat so intently, he gave in. There were way too many people to look through, the stream had reached 3k viewers before he’d even taken the title screen off. 

Inwardly admitting defeat, he sat back and glanced at his screen one last time, hand on his mouse, ready to start the live. It was then when he stalled, breath stilling. There, in the top right corner, above the chat was the username. There was no mistaking it. In the gifted subs tab the no.1 spot was taken by a user named ‘kittens01’.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think of this chapter- it is quite a lot shorter than the others but I have a longer plot planned now and needed a filler chapter @ this stage. [I also think I suck at writing text so sorry for that!!] 
> 
> The next chapter will probably be the longest and prepare yourself for some angst, hurt and confusion because these oblivious bbys are really.. just so oblivious.


	3. Revelations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kenma grapples with a _lot ___

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for panic attacks and general anxiety!

“Hey Kuro.” He’d spent a few hours streaming and keeping a closer eye on his chat than normal, though ultimately he had needed to work, that game review wouldn’t edit itself. 

He’d quite enjoyed the game, a little silly but too cute to put down, something light-hearted that he was sure he would return to as a breather from the more intense games he played. Even though he did try to apply himself fully to giving the best spoken review as he could (as to not have to edit his annoying speaking habits out, or useless stutters and grammatical fuck ups), there was nothing- or specifically no one -more to the forefront of his mind than kittens01. 

Kitten’s 01? Or kittens.. plural? The second seemed most likely but he let thought of the implications of the first flood his brain. While on stream he’d send the username to Hinayana and he’d confirmed, “That sounds right! I’m totally sure that’s it!”. For some reason Kenma had been hoping it wasn’t him. Not because he didn’t appreciate the generosity and support but because he knew that username and could remember more than a few interactions, all of which had seemed flirtatious. Not that he would admit to it, or even really wanted to dwell too much on the fact, but Kenma knew he had simps. Quite a lot of them were very vocal in his chat. Sometimes joking, but always dishing out compliments he felt he in no way deserved. Kittens01, though a somewhat new member from what he could remember, had been leading the charge in compliment giving recently. How he hadn’t thought of that user when Hinata first mentioned it he didn’t know, what he did know was that his hands were shaking more than a little. 

Why did he care? Kuroo was his oldest friend, someone who found him after these years of being estranged and brought him back to life. They used to joke around all the time and spend hours complimenting each other while at the same time throwing digs out, just the nature of their friendship, that friendly banter was a staple when no one was around. Kuroo always wanted to praise him, raise him up out of the self-deprecation pits he fell into from time to time and he assumed that this was nothing more than another attempt by his best friend to feed his ego. 

“Hey are you evening listening to me, pudding bowl?”

“Huh?” Kenma didn’t remember sitting down but at some point, lost in his thoughts, he had. Now Kuroo stood over him, the expectant look on his face quickly dissolving to annoyance.

“I asked if you wanted to meet up with Hinata and Kageyama for a coffee? Before I drop you to your parents’?” Kuroo smirked, “Don’t worry, we don’t have to be out for long I know you probably have lots of game reviews to write..”

Kenma wanted to joke back, “I know you watch my streams,” or “funny you should say that I just mentioned it on stream,” or another off the cuff remark that would otherwise expose him and make a small joke out of the situation- no big deal- but he couldn’t bring himself to. For some reason his sweaty palms and fast heart seemed to be screaming at him that it was a big deal, but for no reason that he could comprehend. Why was he so shocked that Kuroo had just pretty much confirmed what he had thought to already be fact? 

“Kenmaaaa what are you zoning out for?? Hello? HeLLOOO??” Kurro chuckled and waved a hand in front of his face to indicate that he was very far from reality. Which, in fact, he felt. The room seemed to be tilting a little, his chest a bit too tight. “Hey… are you ok?” He didn’t really feel ok, but he nodded to Kuroo. “We don’t have to go out we can stay here or I can take you to your parents-“

“Shut up for a sec Kuro,” he whined. 

“Kitten….”

His throat felt like to was closing.. what had he eaten?? An allergic reaction? No he hadn’t eaten anything that morning. His spiralling thoughts were making it worse, he realised. He put his head between his knees and tried so hard to breathe. He could hear Kuroo calling to him, his soft voice slightly panicked but filled with reassurance and warmth, but he sounded too far away and Kenma didn’t want to look up out of fear that it would make breathing even harder. The thoughts he’d been pushing away creeped in, some truths that he’d been subconsciously ignoring resurfaced, but fuck he was _dying _was this really the right time to be micro-analysing his feelings? Was that what this was about? What he’d been keeping from himself?__

__“Kuro…” he sounded so raspy when he was finally able to get a word out. His throat and chest burned. Kuroo reached out and touched his shoulder as if to draw him closer but he shook his head abruptly, “No just.. sit?” With a small nod Kuroo did just that, Kenma knew because he felt the sofa dip with the added weight, not being able to glance over just yet with his forehead still glued to his knees._ _

__“Can I.. do something?”_ _

__“Stay there ..let me...” taking a breath he wasn’t sure he had in him, slowly he moved to lie down. He kept his knees close to his chest and put his head in Kuroo’s lap, facing out, eyes clamped closed still. “Okay..” his breath was so shaky but starting to return._ _

__“Kitten..” Kuroo’s voice was closer now, less distanced physically as well as to Kenma’s skewed hearing that was just now starting to return to normal. “What.. triggered this?”_ _

__“I..” he gasped another lungful of air in, “.. don’t know..”. Why was he still lying? He squeezed his eyes tighter shut when he felt his chest tighten again almost as if it was a direct response to that thought, and wished away the feeling, focusing on where he could feel the warmth of Kuroo under his head. That warmth calmed him back down to the point where he could speak again and he managed a quiet, “I want to go out,” too quick and all in short breath, but thankfully audible._ _

__“To get coffee?”_ _

__Kenma nodded._ _

__“Like this?? Are you sure....”_ _

__“I’m sure... I just need to be distracted.” He inhaled and felt the pressure in his chest slowly subside, his chest still ached from the build up but the actual pressure had released somewhat, “I really want to be distracted.”_ _

__“I don’t know... you don’t look too good and you’re shaking..”_ _

__“Please Kuro I don’t want to listen to myself think for a while.” Sure he would prefer to be shut in a room huddled in blankets and playing something new and engaging to distract himself, but he worried that putting himself back in that room so soon would resurface some realisations he was really trying to drown right now._ _

__“Can I hug you yet?”  
“No.” _ _

__“Ok… I’m here for you, you know? You can talk to me..” Kenma finally looked up at him and his heart shattered. The worry etched on to his face seemed almost painful and Kenma wanted to give in and hug him, brush his cheek against Kuroo’s chest and let everything else fade away so that the world consisted of nothing more than their physical selves, holding each other. But he couldn’t. He was still too tense, he felt like any further physical contact would sent him into another abyss and he had just got his breathing back to normal. That feeling that he had just felt he never wanted to experience again._ _

__“I know Kuro. Thank you.” If burying his new understandings deep down in the darkest, most desolate part of himself was what he needed to do in order to avoid it, he would. Whatever it took to avoid that sore, throbbing feeling in his chest and the hurt he felt burning in Kuroo’s eyes._ _

__* * *_ _

__Kuroo text whatever group chat he was in with Hinata and Kageyama and whoever else- Kenma didn’t care for group chats much less the ones that probably contained a dozen conversations he wasn’t a part of- to give them a heads up about what had happened. Not probing for the details of what he sent, Kenma just knew that he had handled it with respect. Kuroo was always so respectful and careful when it came to him. It calmed him down a little to think about that care. Kuroo could stay by his side and protect him. That’s all he wanted even if the protection he needed was from himself._ _

__“Are you sure about this?” Kurro asked as they settled into his car. All Kenma could do was nod in response and advert his attention to his psp. He’d brought Birth by Sleep in hopes the nostalgia would calm the jittery feeling he had but it was just reminding him of playing it in middle school sprawled out on the floor of Kuroo’s bedroom while he ranted to him about some girl he was sure was into him. Sighing, Kenma put the game down, shut his eyes and leaned back into the seat. He pulled the strings of his hoodie until he couldn’t see and hummed signal note in satisfaction as he finally found a little bit of resolve in the darkness. “Don’t get too comfortable the cafe they like is just a few block over,” Kuroo chuckled._ _

__“Are they dating?” He had always been curious. They had some sort of weird chemistry that he couldn’t describe with words, just how they worked together as a team and how they interacted off the court always struck Kenma as something more than just good friends. They seemed somehow connected._ _

__“Hm? Oh well.. I’m not sure. Sometimes they act like it, sometimes not so much but they’re pretty inseparable. Why? Are you interested in Hinata? You two’ve always been close,” Kuroo was teasing and his grin reflected this, but for some reason his words had ignited a fire in Kenma. He wondered why he was so mad at the accusation and why he knew that it was just because Kuroo had said it. If anyone else had he would’ve just shaken it off and laughed about it, but Kuroo not realising that he had no feelings like that for Hinata made him.. mad._ _

__“No,” he snapped, trying really hard not to let the annoyance come out in his voice, but ending up sounding like an asshole anyway. Maybe it was because he thought that the connection he had with Kuroo mirrored the one Kageyama and Hinata shared, albeit a different type of relationship and different dynamic. The one thing he knew is that he didn’t want to dwell on it for too long or his thoughts would start to run again as they had earlier. It was better to keep this stuff down in the deepest corner. He cursed himself for letting himself get angry over something so inconsequential to anyone outside his own head._ _

__“O-kay.. sorry for hitting a nerve..” Kuroo’s response interrupted his thoughts and he let go of a breath he wasn’t aware he was holding._ _

__“Sorry, Kuro..”_ _

__“You have to stop apologising to me, it’s not your fault. I have no idea what’s going on in your head and that’s only normal, y’know? We haven’t been around each other in two years. Don’t apologise to me, ok? Ever? Promise?”_ _

__“Hm.. I’ll try.” He wanted to ask, ‘When did you get so smart,’ implying emotionally, but he kept his mouth shut. Kuroo had always been sensitive to what he was feeling, he knew that, but the responses he gave to Kenma’s moods had always been silent or physical demonstrations of appreciation and care. He was very vocal about Kenma’s volleyball skills, always showering him with praise and attention, but when it came to emotional understanding he would just make things so much easier by being there, being present- carrying his things when he was too tired, doing his homework when he shut himself in his room and wouldn’t talk to anyone, or getting him things to make him more comfortable and calm like he had when he prepared for the drive back to Tokyo. The more they spoke the more he realised that Kuroo’s words alone could calm him more than he’d ever thought speaking could._ _

__“Ok, we’re here, you ready??”_ _

__“Uh… yes?”_ _

__Kuroo chuckled, but then got serious, “But for real it’s not to late to change your mind if you don’t-“_ _

__“Let’s go, Kuro… stop asking,” he stuck his tongue out, joking, to reassure Kuroo that he was ok, “dumbass.”_ _

__Kuroo’s smile was so genuinely happy it made Kenma involuntarily beam back. For the first moment in a few hours he felt ok._ _

__* * *_ _

__They were at the door to the cafe when Kenma realised that he hadn’t spoken in depth to Hinata after he’d ended his stream earlier. His pace faltered for a second and even though he sprung forward a step to keep up and to try to hide his momentary pause, Kuroo noticed. “What’s up?”_ _

__“I think… I'll need to talk to Hinata for a sec..”  
“Ooooh ok Mr. ‘I-don’t-like-him’,” Kuroo taunted, but face was soft and read that he meant no harm but his joking. Kenma, playing along pulled one of his cold, disgusted stares as a warning but said nothing. He’d let Kuroo have this one. Whatever, there were bigger things to worry about. _ _

__The cafe was small and cozy, something Kenma was initially surprised by. The facade had given off a cold, minimalist modern vibe, the sort of place that he liked aesthetically but despised atmospherically. The vibe inside was much more his style, a lot of comfortable seating and plenty of spare blankets and cushions dotted around the seating area, despite it being the beginning of summer in Tokyo. Kuroo saw his face light up and nodded, “Thought you’d like it! They have a game room downstairs too. Hinata likes this place so much because of their pool table.. expect him to challenge you, FYI.”_ _

__“Great.” He would actually enjoy that he thought, regardless of the fake annoyance in his retort. Seeing Hinata get fired up and challenge him was one of the most invigorating things. He wished Hinata was into competitive gaming. They would definitely be a force to be reckoned with if they teamed up. Lost in his thoughts for a second, Kenma just followed Kuroo to an empty table and noticed last-minute that their friends had arrived, only when Hinata yelled a joyous, “KENMA!” They were walking over, about half-way to their seat from the door. He sprung up, startling Kuroo with such a quick movement, uncharacteristic of him off the court._ _

__“Oh shit,” he mumbled. “Hey hey Hinata! Can we talk? Outside for a sec?”_ _

__“Ah? Ya sure? What’s this about, Kenma?” Hinata tilted his head, emphasising the question._ _

__He just walked out, knowing he’d be followed. His heart thudded in his ears, blocking out any words from Kageyama or Kuroo. He needed to make sure that Hinata wouldn’t spill the fact that he knew about Kuroo’s twitch username. Even though he really didn’t understand why, for some reason this was vitally important to him. So much so that he pulled Hinata away. He had never liked or wanted to draw attention to himself even amongst his friends, but this for some reason was an exception. For a second he felt a little embarrassed at how rash he was being, but pushed that away knowing that he was doing this solely for his own sanity._ _

__The cool air from outside was welcome stimulus, he felt himself perk up. “Hey.”_ _

__“What’s happening?” Kenma was coming to hate that look of concern. He saw Kuroo’s face from earlier reflected in Hianta’s and had to sigh. Was he that much of a mess right now? The answer was yes. He knew that._ _

__“Sorry. Don’t be worried I-“_ _

__“Kuroo told us what happened you know we love you right? We got you,” Hinata’s eyes shone as he spoke with true admiration. Kenma melted a little._ _

__“Thanks.. this isn’t about that. Whatever. Just.. you have to not tell Kuroo I know his username okay?” Hearing himself say that aloud made him cringe. It sounded so much like school drama._ _

__“What ..why?” Hinata tilted his head, this time in confusion. It almost made Kenma smile despite the circumstance._ _

__“I just.. know that user. He’s spoken to me a lot in chat and I feel like if he wanted me to know it’s him he would’ve told me.”_ _

__“Ohhh that makes sense you don’t want him to be embarrassed?”_ _

__“Kinda.. has he said anything more to you about my streams or-“_ _

__“He just talks about how great you are most of the time. Nothing really important. Sometimes he sends screenshots of you with dumbass heart eye emojis. You’d mock him so much if you saw it,” he laughed a little, obviously thinking about something that Kuroo had said._ _

__“I wish I could speak to him about it but…”_ _

__“I get it you’re just trying not to embarrass him!! Don’t worry!” Hinata grabbed his shoulder and squeezed to comfort him, “I won’t say a thing! I don’t know anything, trust me!!” He gave him a reassuring thumbs up and then looked around. In the same moment Kenma became suddenly very aware of the fact that they were standing out on a busy street at a fairly hectic time of day._ _

__“Let’s catch up inside,” Kenma sighed, suddenly wanting to be back in the comfort of the cafe. He was also missing Kuroo’s smiles and laugher even though they’d be apart for a mere five minutes tops. ‘Gross,’ he thought, but grinned to himself._ _

__* * *_ _

__Being back in the presence of old friends was so nice, especially Hinata and Kageyama. It was a nice reintroduction to his old social circles, especially with all of the drama those three wanted to fill him in on. Though he normally didn’t care about that sort of stuff he actually found himself very curious to know where everyone ended up and where they were going. He even found himself encouraging some serious relationship gossip out of Hinata, which landed him on the receiving end of a quizzical stare from Kuroo. It was such a lost sense of familiarity to hear his friends chat and he didn’t want them to stop. Any lull in the conversation he quickly filled with another broad question. Time passed quicker than he realised and in an unseen and before unheard of turn of events it was Kuroo reminding them that the cafe would close soon._ _

__“You’re going to come to my birthday right, Kenma?”_ _

__“Oh.. a party??” He glanced at Kuroo._ _

__“Sorry I was supposed to tell you he invited us..”_ _

__“Pfttt you suck Kuroo. Yes a party- my birthday’s next month but I’m having one early because everyone’s going to be in Tokyo!”_ _

__He gave a deep sigh. Although he hated parties he did want to see his old friends._ _

__“Sorry I didn’t tell you I just thought.. you know you don’t like parties...” Kuroo apologised, half to Kenma but mainly to explain himself to Hinata._ _

__“It’s ok, Kuro... I’d like to go actually.” He saw Kageyama raise an eyebrow, but ignored the weird feeling of a lingering question mark in the air surrounding them, and gave Hinata a small smile. “Thanks for inviting me. Kuro’s an asshole.. sometimes he just wants me to suffer.”_ _

__Kuroo rolled his eyes, “You say as if my every movement isn’t for your benefit.”_ _

__“You know I love it.” He teased back. When their eyes met there was something different in Kuroo’s that Kenma couldn’t pin down. When was he going to stop letting these things (and how they made him feel) scare him?_ _

__* * *_ _

__As soon as they got back to the car Kuroo turned toward him. His face was clouded in confusion and that indecipherable other emotion that twisted worry into a knot in his throat._ _

__“Can I ask you something?”_ _

__“You know you can.”_ _

__“I know but earlier.. I don’t know... I just don’t want to freak you out...."_ _

__“Is this about my streams?” Shit. Why did he just say that??_ _

__“Your streams?” Oh my god the way Kuroo was _looking at him _.___ _

____Kenma sighed. Why was he even worried about Hinata exposing this when he’d ended up being so dumb? Well screw it, he’d said it now he might as well get to the bottom of all of this. Although his thoughts seemed calm, when he realised that he was shaking a little his grip on that calmness started to loosen. Before he could let himself completely lose it, he replied, speaking way too quick and sounding way too panicked, “Well.. Hinata .. he text me earlier just before I was going to stream and said that you used to talk about my streams all the time and… I guess I figured that this user kittens01 might’ve been you but I wasn’t sure… I told Hinata not to say anything that’s what was with earlier… I’m sorry.. today was been a mess and it’s just.. my fault ..I shouldn’t have been keeping this from you..” He had to gasp for a breath when he finished speaking, not realised he’d be holding so much in. “Anyway you wanted to say something I’m sorry that I interrupted….”_ _ _ _

____The silence was killing him, and Kuroo wasn’t meeting his eyes. Everything started to build up, much quicker than he anticipated or even realised and he didn’t even know he was forming words when he snapped, “Kuro say something,” a little too abruptly._ _ _ _

____“I.. I don’t think what I was going to ask matters-“_ _ _ _

____“What? Tell me.”_ _ _ _

____“What … would you do if that was me?”_ _ _ _

____“Is it?”_ _ _ _

____“I shouldn’t have made it as obvious..”_ _ _ _

____“Why.” Kenma’s chest was starting to feel so much tighter than it had even earlier that day._ _ _ _

____“What do you mean why you know what I said on there.”_ _ _ _

____“Why would you not want me to know?” He wheezed that out in a small voice, breath catching in his throat, somehow sensing what was coming next but not at all prepared to hear him say it._ _ _ _

____“I didn’t really want you to find out that I was in love with you through simp ass comments why the fuck do you think?” Kuroo tried to laugh but it ended up sounding choked._ _ _ _

____“What?” Kenma felt the world tilt just a little, there was no way he could have prepared himself for that sort of admission._ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY so just gotta throw it out there that I am going through some Stuff irl and that's probably reflected in this chapter HOWEVER~ there is still a LOT of slow burn/confusion/angst yet to come. I will also be writing the other characters in a bit more detail once I get to the party chapter so if you're here for the others too they're coming!
> 
> Hope you guys are liking this story so far! I can't wait to share the development of their relationship with you guys <3
> 
> ps. kenma got decaf dont worry x


	4. Enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kenma has a few days to himself to think and the start of Hinata's party leads to even more revelations.

“I thought you knew..”

It wasn’t as if Kuroo was expecting him to come forward with his own admission, but the look on his face pierced him when he finally allowed himself to glance over. 

“I… don’t want to hurt you..” Kenma felt the lump in his throat but was too focused trying to steady his breathing, crying was the least of his worries. 

“You won’t.” 

“B-But… Kuro..” 

“You won’t. I promise. Ok? It’s always been enough to just know you. I will survive not having you. It’s ok, Kenma. Just don’t make it weird, ok? Please can it not be weird.....”

“No it’s.. ok.. I just need to breathe,” he stumbled over his words, trying to sort through what he was thinking, but everything that he hadn’t pushed down to calm himself was without substance, and he couldn’t access the parts of him he needed to without feeling his chest pinch. 

“Do you want to go home? I bet your parents want to see you.”

“I think so..” 

“Ok. Do you need anything from my place?” 

He shook his head. Although he only had his PSP with him, he had a spare charger at his parents house and would deal with that and the games on his phone. He wasn’t even sure if being alone with his thoughts was the best thing right now, but that piercing look from Kuroo was something he didn’t want to be around right now. There was so much weight in his eyes, the questions Kenma knew he was holding back were predated with such a gentleness. He would fall apart if Kuroo asked him anything else. 

* * *

He hadn’t expected to confront himself so abruptly as soon as he was away from Kuroo. The decision to not stream for a week had been an easy one to make. When he thought of having to stare at Kuroo’s username on his screen for hours a day, it was obvious it would take a while for him to want to get back on twitch. Letting his followers know and then ghosting them had been easy, although he felt slightly guilty for his twitch subs who paid for content to get so little that month. Assuring himself he would make it up to them, he spent the days after that conversation in the car to reflect and be with his family. He ghosted Kuroo too, feeling pretty terrible about that, but he wanted to be able to face him with some resolve. He deserved that much from him. 

Ghosting Kuroo also meant that he had no access to most of his games. Instead, he played SNES in his childhood bedroom and reminisced on days when his entire world consisted of Kuroo and the time they spent sprawled on his floor in front of that tiny square tv. How they entertained themselves with old classics and shushed each other’s little curses so Kenma’s parents wouldn’t hear their “fuck”s and “shit”s when the other was winning. Kuroo would tell him then, abruptly, that he should take volleyball more seriously and that as soon as the summer returned he would make sure Kenma was the best first year their highschool has ever seen. It was always shocking, his best friends confidence in him. No one else saw him like that, saw the potential he contained, no one cared as much as Kuroo. 

It had been obvious, he realised, that it was more than just friendship and all-consuming loyalty between them. He’d always loved that though, that their friendship was different to everyone else’s. Having something that connected him with someone else like that had always lifted him up, he felt special when he was around Kuroo, or when someone brought him up when they weren’t together. Most at their school had friends, closer friend groups, best friends, but Kenma and Kuroo were one almost in the same, their friendship seemingly something beyond the norm. That was noticeable to anyone even when they were kids, and to some extent Kenma had always been aware of it too. 

But two years apart and three without seeing each other every day had taken its toll on Kenma’s understanding of their relationship. Maybe the confusion surfacing and consuming him would have been lesser if these admissions came about before he left Tokyo, or when they were sitting in one of their bedrooms like the used to every evening. Maybe it was that he had put himself in a bubble once he got to college, not looking back on their friendship, thinking about Kuroo and missing him only occasionally and never with the depth of someone who would ever be back again. He’d resigned the idea of his old life and instead took up a bleak hope that somehow streaming and graphic design would consume him to a point where he was happy, even if he was alone. 

When Kuroo came back into his life those months ago, and brought with him so much care and attention, Kenma had felt more alive than ever. He held him while they slept and he dreamt about it ever since. He kissed his forehead and the feeling never left his thoughts, the place where their skin met felt like a permanent bruise but instead of pain all Kenma felt was joy when he pressed on it. There was so much more to life that he felt and saw and thought about with Kuroo. 

He sighed and turned onto his back, eyes still trained on his tv, squinting to adjust himself to the tiny (now) upside image of pixelated link in A Link to the Past, not really concentrating. He knew this game so well he could easily navigate the green world almost subconsciously as he let himself succumb to his thoughts. Kuroo hated Zelda. He thought it was so boring, that link looked dumb, that Zelda wasn’t a compelling princess. He let himself smile at the memory of their arguments over that game. Kuroo always wanted to play Super Metroid or Mario Kart. He always had such a smaller bunch of games that he played regularly. Kenma wasn’t as choosy. They were so different in everything they did, such opposites when it came to most things, social interaction, sports- he had no idea how Kuroo managed to get him so hooked on volleyball but he was grateful- Kuroo put himself out of his comfort zone (in real life...Kenma always wished the same would apply to his choice of video games but alas), Kenma stayed in between the lines where he felt same (in real life- video games were always easier for him). He felt like their essences had stayed the same. That very dynamic was showing it’s head again right now. He had to make the leap out of his comfort zone. He wanted to stand by him and tell him what he felt, whatever that was he was still trying to dig up. When had he buried himself this deep? 

He huffed, clicked the controller a little too harsh and ended up throwing it on the bed when he saw that he was losing. Ok. It had been five whole days. It was about time he faced Kuroo and stopped ignoring him for no explainable reason. He had muted him, just as a measure to protect himself from replying to a random ‘you can talk to me’ message on a whim and ignoring his own need to distance himself. But when he opened the chat he sat up, chanting a quick string of curses when he read the last messages.

Kuroo: hi.. I hope ur doing ok  
Kuroo: idk if u talked to hinata but his party’s tomorrow  
Kuroo: I’ll come get u??  
Kuroo: lmk

Even though Kenma wasn’t the best at reading tones in messages, he felt like he could physically feel the sadness through Kuroo’s typing. But fuck, the dilemma at hand- Hinata’s party. His face fell into a distraught scowl at the date when he realised that those messages were from the day before. 

Kenma: what time??

He sighed. Hinata hadn’t text him after that day at the cafe, but he knew he was probably too busy frantically planning to even glance at his phone. Or maybe Kageyama was planning it? He chuckled, momentarily forgetting the urgency of the present moment to think about how much they were probably bickering with the upcoming pressure of hosting a party. The buzz of his phone from an incoming message dragged him back to his predicament.

Kuroo: hi kitten  
Kuroo: I’m leaving in 10  
Kuroo: are u up for it??

Kenma: ya 

Kuroo: are u okay?

Kenma: I’m better now

Kuroo: are we??

Kenma: are we what 

Kuroo: ok, u dumbass 

Kenma: I need to talk to u 

Kuroo: ok I’ll be over 

Kenma shut his eyes. This all felt so forced. He wished he’d never found out about Kuroo and watching his streams. He wished that the pieces he’d been left with were only the subtle physical moments they had, the holding, tiny kisses from Kuroo like that time in the car, when he was half asleep and thought he was dreaming. He wished he’d only had these to fit it all together. Thinking of the pain in Kuroo’s face when he had told him that he didn’t want to hurt him would stay etched into his mind eternally. There was no taking that back.

Trying so very hard to push this to the back of his mind, he stood and turned to the boxes of clothes that he still hadn’t unpacked. What would be appropriate to wear? Probably anything, most of their friends had ranging from little to no fashion sense, but he took his time deciding anyway. Kuroo could wait.

He eventually decided on some black ripped jeans and a red hoodie, the latter merely out of sentiment. Not caring too much about how he looked, but wanting to seem like he made some effort, he decided to pull the hair that he normally tucker behind his ears into a small semi-even bun, done without a mirror only because he was so used to getting ready for college in a rush it was almost second nature to him. Did it make him look drastically different? Probably not, but he was sure it was different enough to give him some sort of air of newness in the presence of old familiar faces. 

Though didn’t even give the thought a second of contemplation and would’ve never admitted it to himself, the real reason he had put that small amount of effort into looking different was for Kuroo. He wanted him to notice, to pay closer attention to him, even if he didn’t really know or accept it yet. 

* * *

There was an obvious question in Kuroo’s “Hi,” and the way he raised a eyebrow, wide-eyed, at him once he settled in the passenger seat.

“Hey..” he felt his cheeks warm under Kuroo’s stare and wondered why he felt so bare and flustered to be appraised as something new by someone he had known for so long. “Is it my hair? Is it not nice.... I thought everyone would appreciate the change or think....” he didn’t know what he wanted them to think. That he had been okay? Prospering? No, hide what he wanted he would never want to fake an appearance like that. He just wanted to be new. New is what he was going for. Something unfamiliar, because it reflected the bubbling thoughts he’d mulled over that entire week. 

“I think you look great, Kenma.”

“But you’re not calling me kitten.”

Kuroo pressed his lips together and for a second, he was sure he’d been too brave. “It’s not a cute look.. you look...” Kuroo smiled and adverted his eyes, “It doesn’t matter. You look great. Amazing, even. Okay?”

Kenma tilted his head and narrowed his eyes, trying to perceive what was behind that stupid goofy grin. Not a cute look? He let an irritated sigh out. Whatever. He hadn’t been trying to impress him anyway... right? Right. He even nodded to himself to solidify that thought.

“What are you drinking?” Kuroo asked a minute later, after they’d pulled off from the curb and left his parent’s house behind.

“Huh? Tonight?”

“Ya I’m going to stop to get beer if you want anything? Tsukki offered to drop us all home.”

“Offered?”

Kuroo snorted a small laugh, “No we’re forcing him too but he doesn’t mind as much as he seems to. He never drinks anyway he’s sort of the pre-determined designated driver so it’s expected.” His shoulders and fell with a lazy shrug.

“So you guys do this a lot?” Trying not to let the slight pang of jealous enter his voice, he busied himself with pulling at the loose threads on his jeans.

“Only on the occasion that everyone’s in town.” 

“So a lot?” His fingers pulled a few threads loose, purposefully concentrating on making the hole at his knee a small bit bigger.

“Everyone seems to gravitate towards Tokyo,” his shrug was more prominent this time, “I think Hinata and Kageyama have held three or four parities this year so far.” 

“I haven’t been to a college party yet.”

“I know. I mean. I guessed. I didn’t invite you because I thought you wouldn’t want to I-“

“Leave it, Kuro. I’ll have whatever beer you’re getting okay?”

“Are you sur-“

“And a bottle of whiskey, Jesus I’ll need something to put up with you all night.” 

“I just think you shouldn’t drink too much if you’re just doing it because you’re emotional.”

“I am not emotional?”

“Right.”

“You watch my streams you know that I drink.” Sometimes a lot. But he wasn’t ashamed because he never did it to self-destruct, only to self-enhance (jazz things up and make the stream more interesting).

“Yes with no one around and... you have watched your drunk streams right?”

“Uh...” he felt his cheeks heat up, suddenly embarrassed. He never had. He knew sometimes that he had been embarrassing or over animated from the clips that his viewers posted, or the memes and reaction images they made, but he never thought of those as anything but quality content that he had no intention of revisiting in a sober state. 

“It kind of make sense, then.” Kuroo sighed.

“What?”

“That you didn’t recognise my username.”

Conversation continued, though a little slower, for the rest of the ride, all the while Kenma tossed over in his head what exactly he had meant by that and what the implications of his drunken live streams had actually been. 

* * *

They arrived late to the party, partly due to Kenma taking his time getting ready, but mainly because Kuroo overdid it again with making sure Kenma had everything he needed.

“I can’t believe you thought I would have left without eating dinner,” he half-joked half-grumbled in feint annoyance as they sat in the driveway.

“You can’t drink on an empty stomach, you know.”

“I know, mother,” Kenma joked back, pulling a face. They were joking about so much and so easily it felt like high school again, but something in Kenma felt jittery, the sort of jitters he got when anticipating something big like E3 or a Nintendo direct. Obviously, a lot more fine-focused and with a touch more anxiety in comparison to those examples, but the anxiety was what he was trying to ignore, at least for tonight, so he fought it back and tried to ignore it. 

“Are you okay?”

Sometimes he hated how easily Kuroo read his emotions. “I’m ok.”

“You sure? I can drop you home if you don’t wan-“

“If I have to tell you to shut the fuck up one more time..” His smiled as a thank you, despite his words. 

“You’re so mouthy tonight.”

“Should I ask what exactly you mean by that.”  
“No.”  
Kenma nibbled on his lip. He was actually enjoying pushing the line, fake bickering and testing the waters with sharp remarks felt fun and lighthearted enough to not draw the air out of his lungs. He just hoped that he was able to keep up with normal conversation too and not just embarrass himself by being overly-annoying to everyone else when he was picking on Kuroo. 

“Should we go in or are you just going to stare into the night for the next few hours? Kitten?”

Kenma blinked a few times at his nickname, a bit surprised, “Uh. No, sorry. Let’s go.” Kuroo nodded, satisfied with his response. 

* * *

Hinata knew a lot of people. Even though the small house he shared with Kageyama was a whole lot bigger than he had been expecting for that side of Tokyo, there was not a lot of room at all to move around. They slowly wove their way through the mass of bodies, trying to pinpoint some familiar faces and somewhere just before Kenma was about to be inevitably swallowed whole by the crowd, Kuroo reached back to grab is hand as a guide. When his finger’s squeezed, Kenma realised that he’d probably reached for him with the intention of comforting him as much as to guide. He tried his hardest not to focus on where their skin met, but a moment later surprised himself when he twisted the grip on his fingers so he could slide them through Kuroo’s own, palm-to-palm. It felt more comfortable. Closer. When Kuroo looked back, eyebrows raised, it was Kenma’s turn to squeeze his hand. Comforting. They exchanged no words, but he felt like something had progressed, something he couldn’t quite tie down or put into words.

“Shrimpy!!!” Kuroo hollered when he spotted the red head, his voice loud enough over the music that it shook Kenma from his endless, pointless thoughts. 

“It’s my birthday don’t call me that!! But hey Kuroo!! Hey Kenma!! I’m so glad you guys made it!”

“I’m glad I came, happy birthday Hin-.”

“It’s not even your birthday, I get to call you whatever. Plus how is it far you get to be untouchable for two days that’s just-“

“Kuroo,” Kenma’s voice was uncharacteristically loud and Kuroo instantly shut up, wide-eyed and not used to being addressed like that from the small blond. Kenma smirked at his reaction, a little too smug, but didn’t advert his eyes. They held each other’s gaze for a beat too long, and a small bit longer than socially acceptable. Hinata laughed awkwardly to draw them apart.

“O-kay ahahhh a lot of the guys are already here- there’s a games room upstairs with ping pong,” his eyes shone as he said that, “and beanbags it’s comfier..” Kuroo thanked him, messed up his hair and joked about how he was getting bigger. “Ugh Kuroooo. You guys can bring your drinks up too there’s a mini fridge. It’s awesome.”

His excitement was adorable and contagious, Kenma found himself smiling back and knew that he would probably be smiling a lot more than usual tonight. Something about being in the presence of these old friends made him want to laugh and joke around more than he had even when they were in high school. Maybe it was to make up for lost time, all he knew was how much he had missed this. His old self would probably be highly grossed out at how sentimental he was being, but he didn’t really care. 

* * *

The room upstairs was smaller than the two they’d passed through downstairs, but there were less people piled in and the atmosphere was much more relaxed, the constant thud of music from the floor below was unescapable but Kenma felt he would actually be able to hear Kuroo if he spoke below a slight yell. Everyone had gathered into different clusters and Kuroo, still with their fingers locked together, led him around to each one. He seemed to recognise and hold conversation with everyone he encountered, whereas Kenma saw a few faces he semi-remembered, some he did remember and had really missed, but mainly a whole lot of new ones, people who he was almost certain he had never met- or at least never spoken to- before. Feeling a bit overwhelmed, Kenma quietly offered to take the drinks from Kuroo, who had been too busy socialising to even consider putting them down (not that it bothered him, Kenma thought, absently noting that the bulge of biceps beneath his t-shirt sleeves had only grown in size since they were in high school), and he crossed the room to where the mini fridge sat, beside a stack of cups and some snacks. 

He was just about to turn his attention to pouring both of them a drink when he heard Lev’s unmistakable voice call out his name. He felt his face shift in exasperation, a little annoyed that he was being bothered while trying to very obviously do something, and by Lev no less. “Hey, I wasn’t sure if Kuroo would bring you how have you been, Kenma?”

“Fine. I’m trying to-“

“You should come see one of my games I play for…” Kenma zoned out and picked up where he left off, grabbing some ice from the small freezer next to the mini fridge, and filling his cup up with straight whiskey. Who cares what he was drinking or how much, it was a party and if this was anything to go by god damn he would need this. “Hey are you listening?”

“..Not really..” 

“Oh. Well I was saying that I’m glad Kuroo brought you. He hasn’t shut up about you over the last few months, you’re dating now right?”  
What could Kuroo have said to give him that impression? Kenma wasn’t instantly taken back by it, thinking it was probably Lev being Lev and misreading a situation, but he quickly asked, “Does he act like we are?”. It didn’t even dawn on him until after he’d asked that that he hadn’t answered the initial question. 

“He doesn’t shut uppp about you are you kidding? Yes it seems like that… am I missing something?”

“Yes, but don’t worry!”

Without saying anything else, Kenma grabbed the drink he’d poured himself, and an unopened can of beer for Kuroo, not bothering to pour it like he’d planned, just wanting the quickest way out of the discomfort this conversation was causing him and back to the comfort of Kuroo’s side. Somewhere in his mind he noticed that Lev had responded with a questioning “bye?” but he couldn’t respond, just let his legs carry him back to Kuroo. 

As soon as he handed him his beer, he dropped his hand back to Kuroo’s, running his thumb over Kuroo’s knuckles. While he did this, he bumped their shoulders together to hide their hands and looked way too invested in the conversations that were happening around them to avoid Kuroo’s stare. He didn’t want to explain himself, or to even think about what was burning through his mind, only the space where their skin met. There was nothing more to them, for a moment, just a soft thumb running over calloused palms, knuckles, fingertips, and settling to hold onto long fingers. He closed his eyes, retreating from the conversation for a second, and just felt present in his closeness to Kuroo. There would be more than this, he realised that now, finally, but for the moment this was all he wanted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WELL. Needless to say the next chapter is one I'm so excited to write- finally some more flufff (still angsty though lol).
> 
> Hope you guys liked this chapter! Any comments are welcome <3
> 
> [ps. geography who let's just pretend everything is a 5-20 min drive away]


	5. More

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kenma gives relationship advice (lol), and _finally _talks to Kuroo about his ~feelings~__

“Your favourite person just showed up,” Kuroo whispered to Kenma about an hour after they’d arrived, just as he was starting to really enjoy himself. “Sorry in advance.”

“Wha-“

“WELL WHO WOULD HAVE GUESSED THE OWL IS ACTUALLY NOCTURNAL.” The sudden volume change in Kuroo’s voice made Kenma flinch as if he’d been burnt, and he shut his eyes, shoulder’s hunched, cursing the interaction that was to come. 

“That doesn’t even make sense, owls are nocturnal everyone would have guessed,” Kenma mumbled, quiet so that Kuroo wouldn’t hear.

“Kuroooo shut the fuck up I’ve dyed my hair- it’s normal now can’t you see?” His voice matched Kuroo’s in volume, drawing another deep sigh from Kenma. Bokuto weaved through the scattered clusters of party-goers too quickly, almost spilling more than one person’s drink in the process, so that he could shove his head close to Kuroo’s face, imploring him to look at his new- equally as terrible as before- dye job. 

“Getting rid of those frosted tips won’t make you any less owl eyed, Bokuto,” Kuroo joked back, retrieving his hand from Kenma’s so he could pull his eyelids wide, going bug-eyed in an attempt to rile his friend up.

Kenma groaned loud and muttered, “I’m so fucking done,” into his drink. 

“Hey Kenma! How are you finding my room? Pretty cool, huh?”

“Your room..?”

“It’s just an empty room, Owly, what do you mean ‘cool’?”

“Don’t tell me he was your roommate…” Kenma could not imagine a worse pair to share a flat. “I am so glad I wasn’t around to witness that..”

“He would’ve replaced me in an instant if you had stayed… you should have heard him, Kenma he was all “Kenma this.. Kitten that.. I wonder how Kenma is doing… I wonder where Kenma is now…Kenma Kenma Kenma…” You have me to thank for forcing him to FaceBook stalk you!”

“Bokuto I am going to beat your stupid head…” Kuroo seemed to almost be growling, but then turned back to Kenma with an awkwardly flustered smile and whispered, “I am so sorry for him. I didn’t stalk you-“

“Right as if finding all his other socials and making fan accounts isn’t stalki-“

“SHUT YOUR FAC-“ Kuroo’s shout was muffled by movement as he pounced on his old friend, half-play fighting. 

Kenma slipped away from them, the urge to break them apart was there- he _did _want to be near Kuroo- but he just didn’t want to put up with the endless strings of overly-loud banter from the two of them when they were around each other. He wondered where Akaashi was, if he had turned up. It was weird to see Bokuto alone. He and Kuroo unsupervised together was a hellish nightmare. He raised his cup to his lips and let himself take a gulp, wincing in regret that he hadn’t bought cola or thought of watering it down.__

__“Kenma!” Sighing, he turned around and, to his surprise, it was Kageyama approaching him, looking a lot more awkward than normal._ _

__“Hi….?”_ _

__“Can I ask you something? In private?”_ _

__“Uhm…. Sure?”_ _

__* * *_ _

__Kageyama led Kenma into the hallway above the stairs, empty of people for the most part, but a bit risky in Kenma’s mind. At least the music was louder out there and it would be harder for someone just passing by to overhear their conversation. The unfortunate fact that came along with that is how close they had to stand to be able to hear each other over the steady thud of bass._ _

__“I’m going to be straight up with you.”_ _

__“Please.”_ _

__“Right, well… I don’t know how much Kuroo has told you but ...I have a crush on Hinata…”_ _

__“So you’re not dating? Yet?”_ _

__“Huh? What.. do we act like it?”_ _

__“Yes…. How do you not see yourself acting like you’re in a full marriage?”_ _

__“Marriag- Whatever just… I was thinking about telling him tonight but I don’t know how…” Kageyama glanced up at him and Kenma was taken back by how scared he looked. He saw his own fears reflected right back at him for the first time. He gulped. “I just want to know… how you and Kuroo navigated things?”_ _

__“What do you mean? Kuroo and I aren’t-“ he looked away, suddenly feeling heat rise to his cheeks. He didn’t want to sound like an idiot, or say something that would become untrue and make him seem a liar. It’s what he wanted, right? To be with Kuroo…? He had no idea. This conversation was starting to make him so uncomfortable and out-of-depths he found himself taking another mouthful of his drink._ _

__“Right well I mean how did you… talk to him about it?”_ _

__“Kageyama I don’t know what you think Kuroo and I have going on between us but… we’re not dating. At least.. not yet. I don’t know how… I feel about him in that way…. I don’t know what I want and I just… I’m really jealous of you right now. You know what you want. So I guess the only advice I can give you is go for it. Because if I knew what it was that I wanted I would have by now, and I wouldn’t have this weighted feeling like I’m missing out on another life I could be having with him. So just… tell him. He loves you, idiot. Anyone can see that, even I see it and I have been away for two years. I know he still loves you. He did then and does now. More than I’ve seen someone love another person in a long time.” It was true. The way Hinata looked at Kageyama was something that Kenma had always equated to love. Regardless if that used to be romantic or not, when they were at the cafe he saw it, Hinata had love plastered all over his face._ _

__Kageyama was quiet for a minute, and Kenma realised that he’d bee talking for a bit too long, and far longer than he ever remembered talking in his friend’s presence. “I see that in Kuroo. When he looks at you.” All he could do in response was stare back, wide-eyed. After a minute, once he’d gathered his thoughts, he nodded._ _

__“I’m sorry I couldn’t be more helpful, Kageyama. Haven’t you talked to Oikawa about this? He seems so much better at dating advice than me.”_ _

__“He would just mock me for having no experience and I can’t face asking him for that sort of advice.” A scowl had spread over his face, obviously imagining it, and Kenma had to laugh._ _

__“Kenma…Kageyama?” Hinata’s voice called out as he bounded up the stairs, seeing them by the door he was headed for, his face read confusion, mouth curled into an ‘O’ shape, waiting for them to reply._ _

__“I was just asking Kenma if he’d play us sometime soon. Kuroo already said he’d be down, and now Kenma’s just agreed so… can you get a few more to get on board so we can have full teams? Be fair to them, they already have an unfair disadvantage.” Kenma mentally applauded Kageyama’s save, how was he this damn quick at making up a lie? Terrifying._ _

__“Us?” The disadvantage against him and Kuroo… right. Kenma rolled his eyes._ _

__“Yea.” Their eyes shone when they looked at each other after saying this, and Kenma wondered if they had always hid the affection they had for each other behind the love they shared for volleyball. Maybe some of it, but it was too obvious when they argued about little things in public, always ending up feet or inches closer to each other than they had begun with. He thought about how he and Kuroo acted around each other. Their dynamic was so different but the care that Kuroo gave him and that he sought from him struck parallels. Kuroo had always placed it behind the facade of looking out for his slightly younger and smaller friend and Kenma always internally rationalised that his willingness to accept the love and care Kuroo gave him was down to the strength of their friendship. He was starting to realise he was fooling himself, he saw that in the hindsight he now had when it came to Hinata and Kageyama._ _

__“We are so cool KaGeyAMA!” Hinata shrieked and set off to find some willing victims._ _

__“You’re smiling,” Kenma noted once Hinata had disappeared from view._ _

__“Ya. I am. You do that a lot around Kuroo, too, you know? I think you don’t realise how much he makes you smile.”_ _

__“You’re getting gross now, Kageyama. And this is a little weird.”_ _

__“It is. But thanks for the conversation I needed it.”_ _

__“Me too. Good luck, ok? Just tell him, he’s probably waiting for it.”_ _

__“I think Kuroo is waiting for you.”_ _

__“Hm…” Kenma hummed, thinking about how true that was._ _

__“No, like.. he’s actually waiting for you. He’s staring.”_ _

__“OH. Ok.” He waved a simple goodbye and then turned in the direction Kageyama had been looking. Kuroo _was _staring at them, seeming a little confused, but there was something else, something bigger clouding his eyes.___ _

____“Hey,” he noticed how breathless he sounded when he greeted him and realised that he’d been holding his breath for a bit too long. His lungs were starting to hurt._ _ _ _

____“What were you guys talking about?”_ _ _ _

____“Volleyball. Playing it.” It was only a half-lie. Or a half-truth. Kenma preferred to think of it as the latter._ _ _ _

____“Oh. Did you have to be that close to him?” It was then that Kenma recognised that look in his eyes was one of jealousy. The muscles of Kuroo’s jaw were pulled taunt._ _ _ _

____“Kuro…. It was loud out there, ok? I couldn’t hear him. Don’t worry.”_ _ _ _

____“Ok…”_ _ _ _

____“Kuro.” Kenma’s voice was a lot softer, and he finally pulled Kuroo away from the glare he’d been shooting in Kageyama’s direction. “Kuro.. don’t worry about him, ok? You are the only one I’m looking at.” He’d been brave. Maybe too brave, maybe it was too soon. Regardless of the thoughts quickly mushing together in his brain, threatening to spill over to spark pressure in his chest, he was glad. Kuroo’s eyes softened to a sickening extent, Kenma had to look away or he feared blushing and _goddamn _he couldn’t think of anything that would have embarrassed him more.___ _ _ _

______“You said you wanted to talk to me when you text earlier.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“I still do.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Now?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Aren’t you busy socialising… and being irritating with Bokuto?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“His boyfriend called. Akaashi gave him an earful for being so ‘loud and obnoxious,' and that he was 'coming over straight away.' Sounds like someone.” Kuroo elbowed his ribs lightly and shot him a small smile that was almost…flirty? Kenma could swear his heart was going to cave in over that smile alone._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Shut up that’s not how I act… Kuro.. please don’t look at me like that… _Kuro. _”___ _ _ _ _ _

________Kuroo’s smile only deepened._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Kuro.. don’t..” He hung his head, cursing at the blush that had spilled over his cheeks._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Don’t what..” His smile was teasing now and Kenma shot him a scowl that could murder. He just laughed._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Let’s go back and talk to people I-“_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“You really want to socialise?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“That was really condescending, Kuro..”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“It was just truthful, when have you ever-“_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Can we just move _on _oh my god.”___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“What happened to wanting to talk to me?” Though he could still hear the flirty teasing, Kuroo’s tone was for the most part serious._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I do but.. not like this.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“That text worried me, y’know?” Kenma waited for him to add some sarcastic comment about why, but he just fell silent._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Kuro.. why would you worry…”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________It took longer than a normal pause for Kuroo to reply. You could almost see him turning thoughts over in his head. Kenma just wished he was transparent enough to see exactly what those thoughts were. “You’re right, let’s not have this conversation here.” He finally replied, a lot quieter than he had been._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Kenma was about to say something else, but Kuroo grabbed his hand and started leading him away. He had to quickly blurt, “Wait! I’m not sober enough for this,” to get free of his hold for a moment. Oh god. That was embarrassing. Why had he said that? Because it was true, sure but… he had wanted to be brave after all.._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Ok.. can you grab me another beer? I’ll be outside by the pool.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“They have a pool?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I know right,” Kuroo chuckled, seemingly returning to himself a little and turned, leaving him there, finally alone with his own thoughts. Well as alone as he could be in a room of people he knew who hadn’t seen him for two years. Hurrying to almost jog over to the mini-fridge and keeping his head down, Kenma was silently hoping almost begging for no one to speak to him. For some reason there was no pounding of his heart or tightening of his chest, he didn’t feel suffocated by the impending conversation, he felt light. Weightless. Ready to be blown away by what they were going to speak about, trusting he’d disappear if it ended badly._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Hey, Kenma! Have you seen Kuroo? I thought he was with Bokuto and I have to-“ Gods, Kenma thought, how whipped was this man? Coming to get his over energetic boyfriend so readily… that seemed so exhausting._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Sorry, Akaashi.. I don’t..” He felt bad for lying and cutting hime off, but just focused his eyes on the drink he was pouring himself, straight like last time because he was an idiot… this time around wanting to be a drunk idiot._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“You’re pouring yourself two drinks….”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I need it.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Ok…well let me know if you see him.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Sure..” He still hadn’t looked up, but knew he’d given up and walked away. Was this really the best place to have a conversation like the one they were about to have? Kenma thought back to how nice it had felt to just float through conversation with Kuroo as he held his hand and played with his fingers. He liked the excitement that had buzzed through him every time he readjusted himself so that their hands were out of view from everyone else, and how Kuroo’s shoulder felt firm and warm against him as they squeezed together to conceal them. Why couldn’t they have that a little longer? Forcing himself to wander around a densely populated party in a house he wasn’t used to in hopes of finding a pool that he had just heard existed sounded so much more exhausting than he was prepared for. In the end it was the promise of being close to Kuroo and then having some time alone, away from everyone else, that allowed him bear the burden of leaving the calmer comfort of that upstairs room._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________* * *_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Thanks.” Kuroo’s eyes appraised him when he handed him his beer, searching for something Kenma wasn’t sure he had. From that angle, Kuroo’s face seemed closer than normal, and he could see so much detail in those eyes. He wanted to stay there forever, but he knew Kuroo was waiting for him to sit down alongside him at the edge of the pool._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________It had taken him longer than he’d wished to find him. He’d had to find Hinata and ask him, and then had to deal with the barrage of questions that came with asking where the pool was when he’d initially offered no reason._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I got caught up with Hinata and his questions…” he explained quietly. The air around them felt so awkward and tense. He hated it. They were never this awkward around each other. “Sorry.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He sat down finally, a little too close to Kuroo when he landed on the ground, but he didn’t move away. If there was ever a time to be brave, now was it. Despite the anxiety building in his gut, he leaned even closer to Kuroo. He stared at Kuroo’s hand on the edge of the pool, so close to his. Screw it, he thought and gave a nervous sigh._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Kitten?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Kuroo’s hand was so warm and soft when he pulled it close to him, laid it in his lap, and held it in both hands. He knew how fucking weird he probably looked if Kuroo didn’t understand that move of affection, but he just had to have an anchor if they were going to talk for real. And holding on to him with both hands rather than one felt safer. It satisfied his heart more. His thumbs moved over Kuroo’s knuckles again, like he’d done when they were upstairs, but with more calm consideration, lingering and taking every dip and rise of skin in carefully. He couldn’t look at Kuroo, instead stared at their hands, and tried to push out some words. “I’m sorry that I … worried you earlier. I didn’t mean to…”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Don’t apologise, Kitten..” Kuroo’s words were softer than silk. Kenma felt his breath tremble, so glad that his words had be so gentle. Anything more might have shattered his resolve._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I’m going to say somethings now and just.. don’t interrupt ok?” Kurro nodded, so he began with a shaky deep breath, “I’m sorry that I ran away for almost a week when you told me you love me. I know that probably scared you in some way. I know you only try to pretend to be strong for me sometimes…” Kuroo gave him a small smile, encouraging more words out. “When I was at home.. I thought of when we were kids… and how I was so grateful that what we had was different. I think I’ve always loved you, to some extent without knowing, Kuro.. I think that I haven’t been brave enough to admit that not because I don’t want to love you but..I just didn’t want this to change. I moved away and when you found me I blamed you and asked why we’d grown apart because I didn’t want to face the reality that it was all me. I’m not being over dramatic or just hating on myself for no reason, it took me so long to admit that because I thought that everything was fine and I was just getting on with my life. There was such a massive part of me missing when you weren’t here, Kuro.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I’m here now. You’re not to blame for anything… even if you are sure that you are… you’re not..Kenma..look at me.” He turned his head further away, into his shoulder because he’d felt tears prick at his eyes and he really didn’t want them to spill over. If they did he wasn’t sure if he could keep going and he had so much more he wanted to say._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Kuro just wait… I need to finish this…I need you to know that I have tried so hard to be honest,” his voice was muffled now and he’d had to raise it as he spoke into his shoulder, still not sure if it was safe for him to come out. “I really tried to tell you everything that I was thinking but.. I think I started to fall in love with you, _real _love, not what we had when we were growing up, but I do think that was love too... when you kissed me in the car on our drive here. You thought I was sleeping and I pretended it to be… I don’t lie to you but I was trying to unpack so many thoughts… I didn’t realise until I put everything into perspective this last week. I was so confused because I kept thinking about your lips and your hands around me and holding my head to you and… I… know I sound crazy right now…”___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“No…” Kuroo breathed, his voice shaking now too, “You don’t kitten, not at all…”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“And I don’t know what I want to be to you, Kuro… I know it seems obvious we should be boyfriends … or whatever… but that just seems… I just feel like we are already what we are. That already feels closer than boyfriends. That’s such a high school thing to say anyway, right? “Oh we should date.” Who _actually _goes on dates? Everything we do is a date, by some people’s standards…” He shook his head at his own reasonings, “But I don’t know. I’m still trying to figure it out. I’ve never been… attracted to anyone… only you… so I don’t know how I’m supposed to act. There’s no books on how to be in love with Kuro…or games… I’m just trying to figure it out, you know?”___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________He finally leaned back, after what felt like it had been hours. It had been so long since he looked at Kuroo’s face, he hadn’t expected it to change so much. “Why are you crying? Oh my god, Kuro, I’m so sorry…” He sat up, suddenly so aware of the dampness on Kuroo’s cheeks, and raised the sleeve of his sweater so that he could dab it all away, still clutching Kuroo’s hand in his lap with his free hand. “Don’t cry… you’re too pretty to cry…” He whined and pulled away his sleeve, his face now close to Kuroo’s. Not too close. He wasn’t sure if he would ever be too close to Kuroo now. “Say something.” His voice was quiet but demanding._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“I don’t know what to say…”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Kuro the _one _fucking time you don’t know what to say…”___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Will you stay with me?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Huh?” The question caught him off guard. He felt it was a little loaded, but had no clue what he meant by that. Stay? As if he could go anywhere now._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“When you go back to Kyoto. Will you stay with me? Text me all the time? Don’t give up on me again…”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Kuro I never gave up on you…”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“I…I’m sorry it just…it hurt… I thought I’d lost you..” He felt so sorry. There was no ounce of him not filled with weighted regret. He knew he would apologise all the time, until he died, for being such a shitty person to someone who had loved him so heartlessly for so long._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“How long have you loved me?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“For too long. So long that it felt unfair… it still feels unfair. You are too good, Kenma.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Say it again?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Say… I love you?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Yes.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“I love you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Thank you.” He closed his eyes and leaned closer, pressing their foreheads together. Kuroo bumped their noses and he smiled. “Thank you for loving me for so long, Kuro. I will try to make it all up to you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“You have. You do.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“More.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AH prepare for even more flufffff~
> 
> This scene will continue in the next chapter as will the rest of the party- I'm so excited to write more mushy love talk- they are so cute <3
> 
> As always let me know what you guys think and thank you so much for reading x
> 
> ps. still needs a quick edit for errors rn sorry if you spot any!!!


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